Dating is the largest beast to tackle, and has ideals and traits that can be applied to other realms fairly easily. Thus, it will be the one to be worked on first.
The interesting thing is that the applications of it fluctuate quite a bit due to it being an interaction between two individuals, often times either or individuals close social groups, and societies own designations, values and attitudes. While, say, going to a job interview is a lot more straight forwards and has a few characteristics and traits that you can probably identify just by taking into account the general nature and attitude of the organization in question.
The way I want to try to analyze it here is as a value system. For those familiar with World of Darkness or Exalted, think about it like merits and flaws. The issue is that all of the point values are subjective, fluctuating, and depend entirely upon both yourself and the target, so I’m just going to run with it. Anyone that’s inclined to read this and assign it some value in their own interactions should adapt it as they see it working within their own areas. The easiest way I can see to do this is assign my own traits points from my own experience, and my values for the traits I desire in another person.
Myself:
Merits:
Intelligence: 1
Supportive: 3
Supportive: 3
Sweet: 2
Attractive: 1
Engaging: 1
Flaws:
Can be a dick: -1
Abrasive, primarily to new people: -2
Lack of a history and exposure to social situations: -8
Lazyish: -1
Can be needy in a relationship: -4
End Values:
Positive: 8
Negetive: 16
In this example, my negatives clearly outweigh my positives. It’s important to see how these apply to various possible interactions, however. Not all positives and negatives are applicable all the time, and rather, most aren’t.
Addendum: It’s important to note why I didn’t rate things on a scale. This is due to diminishing returns. Generally speaking, if you’re an attractive person the level that it’s going to help you isn’t going to matter much past that. Being Super Hot might be worth 2 points, but after a lot of personal research into it people generally break things down into only three standings: Unattractive, Normal, Attractive. Beyond that in either direction doesn’t actually matter a whole lot.
Why is the third one rated to such a negative degree? Is a collection of a handful of negative traits that the category represents. Confidence to approach people, to strike up conversation, throw in a little awkwardness in unfamiliar territory, ect. When it’s relevant, it’s a –huge- issue.
So, situations:
Meeting an individual at a bar. In this situation, Three of the flaws will be voided. If you’re intentionally trying to meet someone, you’re not likely to be an asshole, abrasive, and any personal issues such as being a little lazy aren’t likely to come out.
At the same time, a lot of the merits aren’t relevant either. Intelligence will come up if you make it to conversation, being sweet might shine through a little by the same token (reducing it’s overall value) and attractiveness is a factor. The fact that I’m supportive is great –in- a relationship, but not relevant in meeting someone at a bar. So net result?
Positive: 4 points.
Negative: 8 points.
As can be seen, the net result shows that I’m out of my element. If the situation isn’t modified or changed in some way, I’m only likely to be able to pick up a person that’s a decent part into the negatives themselves, either because of their own mental view of themselves or because of external factors which we’ll cover in a moment. For reference:
Ideal target:
Socially engaging (looks like fun): 2
Attractiveness: 3 (Higher value than my own assessment because I’m a bit shallow, therefore it carries a higher weight in my applications. Also, when dealing with Male – Female interactions, females tend to get more points for attractiveness.)
Ambitious: 2
Confidence: 1
Intelligent: 1
Can be sweet: 1
Supportive: 2
Total value: 12
As can be seen, my example target is well above my own assessment of traits. My net result is in the negatives, and my “ideal target” has a great deal of value innately before personal flaws are factored in. This person obviously exists in a vacuum as they carry no negatives, but.
This “ideal” person at a bar: Socially engaging, attractiveness, confidence, intelligence and being sweet are all going to be relevant. Therefore at a bar this vacuum person is still going to clock in at an 8 point value.
The net result is that my personal “bar score” ranks in at a -4 and their bar score ranks in at an 8, a difference of more than even my positive traits outside of the bar. Without some serious external factors, there’s no way in hell to overcome this difference.
Let’s try another situation. Say, a large social event that I’m attending with a few friends. This modifies things a bit. In this situation, my own social failings are going to be less of an issue (think wing man, someone that can steer the conversation if you say something stupid, bring women in, ect), lowering it’s impact to a -4. However, interacting with a larger group of people means that some of the other negative traits are likely to be exposed, making “Can be a dick” and “Abrasive” relevant. The net result is more positive (-7 instead of -8) but not a major improvement, thus ultimately not helping the situation much.
Alright, so let’s try an ideal situation. The first meeting with someone that a friend has set me up with. I’m on my best behavior interacting with either a single individual or small group, so those two flaws aren’t relevant. The social awkwardness value is massively dropped: They’re –already- there for you, so there’s a lot more leeway on the issue. The foot is already in the door thanks to someone else opening it. Further, because it’s an actual date type set up, you have the benefit of being able to lay most all of your positive traits to bare over the course. Net result:
Isolated dates:
Positive:
Merits:
Intelligence: 1
Supportive: 3
Supportive: 3
Sweet: 2
Attractive: 1
Engaging: 1
End Values:
Positive: 8
Analysis: I’m a typical first date vacuum person. I seem amazing; I have no apparent flaws because I’m on my best behavior. Foot already in the door, I’m a good conversationalist one on one, can be engaging, intelligent, all that good stuff. My value still isn’t as high as my targeted Vacuum girl, but it’s much, much better than in the earlier example. It’s quite easy in this situation for me to get an above average girl, even one that’s hiding her negative traits as well.
So the first date goes really well, as do the next few. I’m able to control myself and be on my best behavior in each isolated incident, but as the relationship moves to a more serious stage the negative traits are going to start to show themselves. It’s entirely possible the first two flaws will be suppressed, but neediness and laziness are going to start to show through and impact it. Thus:
Relationship:
Merits:
Intelligence: 1
Supportive: 3
Supportive: 3
Sweet: 2
Attractive: 1
Engaging: 1
Flaws:
Lazyish: -1
Can be needy in a relationship: -4
End Values:
Positive: 8
Negetive: 5
Total: +3
My dating value proves to be less than Half my date value. It’s likely that I may have developed a few points (such as attachment built over time, or maybe because I’m a good lay), but they’ve likely built up similar points, and thus unless they have some high value flaws of their own it’s likely that the 8 I scored earlier is going to get out of dodge and find someone that isn’t as neurotic in a relationship, and the friend that set me up is probably going to be a touch irritated that their efforts didn’t work out.
The good thing about seeing your flaws on paper, or having some close (preferably of the female sex) friends point them out to you is that you have the ability to change them, as I’ve been in the process, and continued process, of doing. My current analysis:
Merits:
Intelligence: 1
Supportive: 3
Supportive: 3
Sweet: 2
Attractive: 1
Engaging: 1
Flaws:
Can be a dick: -1
Abrasive, primarily to new people: -1
Lack of a history and exposure to social situations: -8
Lazyish: -1
Can be needy in a relationship: -2
End Values:
Positive: 8
Negetive: 13
A major improvement, but due to that extreme flaw I won’t be picking any one up at a bar that I’d want to pick up. Removing that, and going to the “set up” date, my value remains the same, and my dating value shows some improvement as my neediness isn’t running people off. So long as a friend happens to know someone, I can have a successful relationship with an average girl with no flaws, or an above average girl with an assortment of minor flaws. A point of note here is that for people with some crippling social issue in regards to meeting people: having a large social group helps to, or completely alleviates, this particular flaw. If no one within your group knows someone that is of your target value, you’re left to your own devices which isn’t likely to work out well. So, make more friends!
In closing, let’s take a look at a girl that I actually went on a positive date with before I ruined things: (The positives are my perceptions of her, the negative values are her perceptions of her own flaws).
Ideal target:
Socially engaging (Was fun): 2
Attractiveness: 4(Very hot)
Ambitious: 2 (in school, working on a degree, plans for life)
Confidence: 1 (Very sure of self)
Intelligent: 1 (Could make for good, deep conversation)
Can be sweet: 1 (Was a sweetheart)
Total value: 11
Flaws: Had a bad history of dating (lower standards, more hopeful of something that looks like it might work) 2
Was an Escort: (Was legitimately convinced that no one could possibly understand what she was doing to get a degree, and thus wouldn’t be able to date anyone until it was far behind her) 3
Final value: 6
My date value: 8.
As far as she was concerned through our initial date, I was an absolutely amazing guy that was everything that she wanted and was accepting of her work. However, fast forward a few weeks later when my overbearing neediness started to show:
Her value: 6
My Dating value: 4
And my flaws cut my value in half and she finds the nearest door out.
That pretty much covers the basics of Min/Maxing dating. Keep in mind that you should analyze your own Merits and work on your own flaws, and work around the ones that might be unmovable objects for you. More importantly, finding socially high value flaws that you could live with, or care less about, in a partner is a valid tactic. If you can take a girl that’s absolutely amazing outside of a serious flaw, or handful of flaws society or even herself disapprove of, that you could care less about then she’s a good catch as her net value to you is the net value without the flaws.
Next time I’ll take a look at some of the environmental and social modifiers that may come up in the process.
